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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24118039">it was always carol</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/catesblanket/pseuds/catesblanket'>catesblanket</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Not Canon Compliant, Other, Sad Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:07:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,131</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24118039</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/catesblanket/pseuds/catesblanket</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>au where therese had not gone after carol on the final evening at the dinner </p><p>idk what this is i’m so bored in lockdown</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carol Aird/Abby Gerhard, Carol Aird/Therese Belivet, therese belivet/ original character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it was always carol</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>rly new at this writing thing so pls leave feedback ! x</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Therese leaned against the sink of the bathroom, the scent of cigarettes and cheap beer filling the room. It was Carol she loved, she knew that, and so she wondered, why she found it so hard to accept it. They had not known each other long, 5 months at most, but it felt like a lifetime and there was no doubt about it. When she was with Carol she finally felt free, as if time did not exist and they were the only two left on earth. When she looked into Carol’s piercing blue eyes she felt herself lifted away, a feeling almost indescribable.</p><p>Therese lowered herself back onto the floor and made her way out back into the party. She contemplated leaving, going to the dinner party that Carol was currently at at melting in her arms where she knew she belonged, but another part of her knew that she could not, and did not belong there. She knew that it was not right for two women to fall in love, Richard had said so himself that day after work- she just had a silly crush. </p><p>In the kitchen a couple were pressed up against the counter deep in embrace and her body yearned for that feeling again. Not just the physical contact, but the feeling of the two souls intertwining during the act, something she had only felt with Carol. A bottle of beer was shoved into her hand by a guest she did not know, not that she cared to find out. She snaked her way into the bedroom where a couple were engrossed at the film on, the boyfriends arm around his partners, gently playing with her hair. It reminded her of the way that Carol would often comb her hair back, which somehow made her look even more ethereal. </p><p>It was then that she realised, no matter if Carol was there in person or not, she was still everywhere. In every house, every city or country, Carol would always be there. Every street she walked down, every shop she entered, every subway she rode. Carol just had a way about her, relating to everything. Therese would never enter a restaurant again without remembering their first date, she would never drive in a car again without remembering the look Carol threw at her in the tunnel, she would never touch a piano key without remembering the delicate touch of Carol’s body pressing against her back. Oh, what she would give to live in a time where their love could be celebrated- she knew that a love this strong could never be wrong. </p><p>The night went on, Therese floating aimlessly from room to room for most of it until deciding to retire back to her own place for the night, overwhelmed by the ever growing sinking feeling in her stomach. </p><p>———</p><p>Four long years had passed since Carol and Therese has spoken. Since the evening at the restaurant, the two had not been in contact, both mutually believing it was the best thing to do. Yet, every day Theresa was reminded of Carol, just as it was at the party that evening. She was still at her set designer job although failing to make any promotional progress, not that she minded. She had tried to move on and was now in a relationship with a man named Ben. Whilst he was more tolerable than Richard, she felt no real connection to him, nothing like what her and Carol had shared. She had often wondered if she was one of those odd people who fell in love with other women however pushed the thought away by reassuring herself that she was just yet to meet the right man. Unlike her relationship with Richard she had slept with Ben and somehow it had been even more underwhelming than she had prepared for it to be, the entire event feeling completely forced. His hands were much rougher than Carol’s, and when he held her in his arms she felt a lack of security, once again much unlike when Carol has held her. </p><p>This year she had decided to spend Christmas on her own much to this dismay of Ben and his family. The thought of sitting at the table with his family, who were all so closely knit, made her feel uneasy. It served as a reminder that she did not share that clannish feeling with anyone, except Carol of course. </p><p>Therese drew the cigarette sat between her fingers to her lips one final time, savouring the drag before stubbing it out. She walked over to her phone, her hand lingering over it. Her heart yearned to hear Carol’s voice just one more time, hear her saying her name She stood debating for a few moments whether or not to call, before finally deciding not to, defeat filling her body.</p><p>———</p><p>‘I told you you should have come yesterday. My mother was distraught at the idea of you sat alone in tour apartment on Christmas Day!’ Ben exclaimed as he and Therese walked through Central Park. </p><p>Much to Therese’s resistance, Ben had convinced her to come out with him today and take a walk through the city. She had protested, claiming that it was too cold and that she felt under the weather but crumbled under Ben’s persistence. </p><p>The sight of the woman walking towards her hit Therese like a knife to the chest, knocking the wind out of her. The breeze brushing her perfectly blonde hair back, the dull sunlight somehow illuminating her face. It was like the first time they had met. Still, after all these years Carol was able to stop time. She too had noticed Therese and clutched onto Abby’s arm for support as they got closer. </p><p>‘Miss Belivet, how lovely it is to see you again.’ Carol spoke, her voice rich as ever as she held out her hand for Therese to shake. </p><p>Her eyes pierced Therese’s soul as she held out her own. The feeling of Carol’s warm, soft hand against her own sent a tingle down her spine. </p><p>‘Carol, Abby’ she began, before motioning you her partner, ‘this is Ben. Ben, Carol Aird, Abby Gerhard.’</p><p>’Lovely to meet you both.’ Ben smiled, offering his hand to both women. </p><p>‘Likewise.’ </p><p>As Carol spoke that single word, a wave of emotions engulfed Therese. The word, as simple as it was, transported Therese back in time. The feeling of Carol’s hand against her shoulder, the sight of waking up next to her, her sprawled against the pillow. </p><p>‘We best be off Ben, it’s awfully cold.’ Therese broke the silence. </p><p>‘Before you go, how would you two like to come over to mine for New Years? Abby and I are gathering a few friends for a party?’ </p><p>‘Abby and I’ Therese thought. She knew that Carol was not her property and that her and Abby had come before her and Carol, but hearing Carol saying it she wished to be consumed by darkness. Of course they had gotten back together, it had been four years after all. She should feel happy for them, that they were both happy now, but Therese could feel nothing but the pang in her heart and pure jealousy. Why was it that after all this, after all they had been, that Abby was allowed to have her. The pain they had shared, the love, the deep connection that she was sure Abby and Carol did not share on the same level as her and Carol had. </p><p>‘Oh, I think we have other plans, thank you though.’ Therese began, before being interrupted by her partner. </p><p>‘We have no such plans, Therese. We’ll be there, wherever it is.’ </p><p>Carol’s eyes latched onto Therese’s as if she felt what she was too feeling. </p><p>‘Therese knows how to get there, she can direct the two of you. It’ll be starting around 9pm. See you there.’ Carol replied before taking Abby’s arm again and saying her farewells. </p><p>Therese stood for a moment, completely helpless as though she were nothing. She felt so many things, yet at the same time she felt nothing. Pulling herself together, she mustered up the strength to continue walking with Ben, taking in no word of what he was saying, still entirely captivated by Carol. </p><p>——— </p><p>The couple walked up to the door, Therese in Ben’s arm. She had protested them coming to Carol’s for New Year, but Ben would hear none of it. He did not understand the pain it brought Therese, but he never would as she could not share with him the intimate details of their passionate history. The housekeeper let the two in and took their coats. The other guests were all easily twice the age of the two, which was expected, and introduced themselves to a number of them before finally finding Carol. </p><p>To Therese’s surprise, Abby was not by Carol’s side but rather entertaining a red-headed woman around the same age as her. She felt a rush of hope overcome her, maybe this was the woman that she was seeing now as she fitted the description that Carol had given all those years ago. Carol welcomed them to the party and her eyes lingered over Therese, commenting on how particularly elegant she looked that night which sent a rush of blood to Therese’s cheeks as it always had when Carol complimented her. </p><p>The night went on and to the pleasure of Therese, Carol spent a significant amount of time by her side, increasing the sense of hope in her. Although she was with Ben, she sensed that Carol realised it was not serious and she did see anything coming from their relationship. </p><p>The countdown began and whilst she would have much preferred go into the new year with Carol similar to the night in the hotel four years ago, Therese found her way to Ben. When he took her hand into his own, she noticed it was slightly shakier than usual however blamed it on his drinking. The clock struck midnight and they entered the new year. </p><p>Ben stepped back amidst the celebration surrounding them and his expression looked much more sincere than it had moments ago. She maintained eye contact with him as he lowered himself onto one knee and she knew what was coming next. It filled with her rage that he would do such a thing in public when he knew that she hated fusses being made but she could not embarrass him in such a way. Her eyes began to well but for all the wrong reasons, not that anyone else would know as he asked for her hand in marriage. The crowds around them had turned their attention from their loved ones to Therese and Ben, all cheering them on, putting overwhelming amounts of pressure on Therese that she knew she could not turn him down in such a cruel way. She looked over and saw Carol, and whilst she was smiling, Therese could see the heartbreak in here eyes, the same she had seen the night in the restaurant the last time they had spent together alone, as one.  </p><p>‘Yes, I do.’ Therese spoke, her words blank. </p><p>Ben jumped up and held her, the guests around them cheering a clapping, but in this moment Therese felt nothing but emptiness. She had just signed her life away, a life without Carol, the only person she had ever truly loved. This time, it was truly over.</p><p>As the guests began to dwindle out, Therese and Ben made their way to the door deciding it was time they got home. Carol stood at the door thanking guests as they were leaving and when Therese got to her she paused for a moment. She took Therese’s hand in her own and it was as though the touch transferred all the emotion Carol was currently feeling. The regret, desperation and longing. There was nothing either of them could do now, they both knew it. </p><p>‘Congratulations, you two.’ Carol spoke gently. ‘I wish the best of luck to the both of you and hope to see you again soon.’ </p><p>But both of them knew this was not true. They would not see each other again unless it was as spontaneous as their meeting in the park. They were no longer in each other’s lives, but the love was still there and would always be. The love as strong as it had always been from the moment they had met each other. Though it was not right, it had to be this way. </p><p>‘Thank you, Carol, and thank you for the wonderful evening.’ Therese replied. </p><p>With that, Therese took her hand back and took Ben’s, the two of them walking into the black of the night, ready to start their new life.</p>
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